Review of Josh Harris: Courship Smourtship

I'm not a fan of attack blogs. They're fascinating, in a deadly sort of way. They bend me in a negative direction that I naturally follow already. But the following post by Steve reviews a 2005 sermon by Josh Harris of Covenant Life Church in Maryland, over the fallout of his early courtship principles in stunting healthy male-female relationships among young adults at the church he attends.

Here are some points that Joshua Harris made in a message entitled “Coursthip Smourtship: What Really Matters in Relationships” given on November 20, 2005. In this message he acknowledged that how some of single men and women in his church related:

• Could be described as standoffis, overly reserved, a certain level of uptightness
• Isn’t how relationships should work in God’s family

After acknowledging these problems Harris indicated what he thought was proper for singles:

• Felt desire for God to bless single men and women with the good gift of marriage in his time.
• Didn’t want the singles ministry to become a “meat market” but one in which godly friendships can lead to purposeful courtships and God glorifying relationships
• Purposeful courtship can only happen when if mature men and women first feel the freedom to get to know each other in brother/sister friendships
• Men not scared about initiating friendships with women
• Felt there had been some confusion
• It is ok for brothers and sisters to go out to lunch/dinner together, grab coffee, and email one another.
• Should ok talk church lobby w/o asked when is the wedding date

Harris also clarified his views on singles “guarding one’s heart.” Harris even felt the word was misapplied:

• One should not become self focused in attempt from ever being disappointed.
• Not to guard your hearts from attraction (don’t run away from a friendship when there is attraction) God can help process that it in godly way;
• If attempt guard ourselves against attraction/disappointment will cut ourselves off from the good gifts of friendship/fellowship that God has for us.
• If not mutual attraction/interest God help you walk through that. There will be times of disappointment.
• Some walk out courtships decide not to get married; successful if walked out in integrity;

I admire that Harris did have the courage to acknowledge problems at his church. Usually one is well on to solving a problem after the problem has been acknowledged. Hopefully this message at least brought about changs at CLC with how the singles relate. The message was given 2.5 years ago. For those of you reading this still part of a SG Church what change have you noticed at CLC or within SG as a result of this message?

It is interesting to note that even at Harris’s own church there were significant problems with how singles related. From reading his books and looking at his website you would think that only dating had problems. Harris doesn’t mention any problems with his system in his books. People say that there is never a “perfect church” but when I read his books one would think he has found perfect system for singles.

Here's Josh's own brief "update", with links to the following messages:

These messages all reflect, in one way or another, things that I’ve learned since I wrote the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye 12 years ago. I still stand by the message of the book that premature, short-term romantic attachments can be a big distraction from serving God—especially for teenagers. But in the years since, I’ve also seen that a legalistic application of these ideas can be unhelpful, too. One of my main concerns in our church or any other church is that there be no disunity among Christians over issues of dating and courtship. We need to learn to hold our own convictions on this matter with charity. Most importantly, we need to make sure that our convictions are shaped by Scripture—not culture, church culture or my books.

The following are messages I preached here at Covenant Life out of a desire to clarify what I see as a wrong application of ideas I’ve written about. If you’ve attended Covenant Life for a few years, you’ve likely heard one or more of these, but I hope they’re helpful.

“Romance Revisited” is a message I did last summer at our church’s annual youth retreat. My main burden was to challenge teens to cultivate their own biblical convictions on the topic of dating and relationships, and to make the distinction between commands from God’s word and the wise application of biblical principles.

“Courtship Shmourtship” addresses some misconceptions people can have about courtship, and examines biblical principles that should inform our relationships. I speak to singles who are so concerned with “guarding each others heart” that they’re not talking to one another.

“Courtship is a Community Project” looks at how godly relationships can function in the context of the local church. It’s a challenge to the whole church to come alongside single men and women and provide support and encouragement as they pursue relationships.

Maybe someday Josh will find time to write another bestselling book to rectify his first one.  Not Even a Hint is the only one of Josh's books that I have read entirely, so any contribution of his ideas to my relational difficulties is diffuse at best. :)  From the outline, though, his re-assessment is spot-on.  It's almost as if friendship can no longer be casual, and starvation of natural relationships conspires to feed unnatural fetishes and fantasies.  Self-focus is a deadly denominator.  Thus, the inverse should exclude the middle value of self-focus for a regression on the sides of both less-intimate and more-intimate friendships, giving us the original excluded middle of healthy friendship between the original restrictions of no-contact and marital commitment. 

I should give it a listen after finals week is over.  In the meantime, I should get back to math review, where this kind of symbolic language actually makes sense.

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